Will God forgive me???

I spent half my life thinking – ” will God forgive me for doing this?”

I asked myself – ” Is it right?…what if it isn’t?…will I be punished?”

A person very close to me once said that falling in love was a sin. I was 17 years old back then; I stared blankly at him not daring to ask him why. A voice constantly shouted “why” “why” “why” in my head; I shut it up or so I thought. But I remember giving it a thought; I asked myself – ” If my love for my parents or my brother is not a sin, then how come they call my love for another human being sin?”

I tried convincing myself that what he said was prudent and I was not wise enough to comprehend its meaning. But that voice inside my head never really shut up; it asked me “why” again. I shrugged it off.

I never really understood why it was considered imprudent every time I wanted to take a decision for myself, while now when I look back, those were precisely the same things that I want to do in my life. I want to become a writer…a painter, not an Engineer, a Doctor or a Lawyer. Why? I still have no answer.

Have you ever felt bad for wanting something for yourself…or for buying stuff for yourself? I did. I asked myself – ” am I being selfish?” My inner voice smirked inside and replied – ” I wish you were.”

There was a time when I didn’t love myself for who I am, yet I expected others to do so. I resented them for misunderstanding me, while I myself was not conversant with my inner desire. One day I got tired of blaming people for not accepting me, sat alone with tears in my eyes and asked God – “Why do you keep punishing me? is it because I committed a sin…because I couldn’t stop loving him? Or is it because even after being told a hundred times that being an Engineer was a good career choice for me, I didn’t accept it and give up my dream? Or do you too think that all I care about is myself?” I cried my heart out that day.

After my tears dried up, I sat silently; I didn’t ask any more questions. Suddenly I heard a voice inside me –

“I have some questions for you. Listen to them carefully and then answer –

Were you happy after you left him just because someone said it was a sin?

No.

Do you want to continue doing this job for the next 30 years?

No way!

Have you fully accepted yourself?

******

Can’t answer?…okay then why do you feel embarrassed when people don’t accept you for who you are?

********

Your answer is no, you never accepted yourself; that’s the reason you are putting all the blame on others to get rid of your conscience.

My last question – if you don’t care about yourself, then who else will?

**************

That day I couldn’t answer all of them, but I definitely stopped asking those questions. I didn’t ask anything to God anymore, I just thanked him for everything I had. I didn’t ask for his forgiveness anymore as I started believing that ‘it’s right to be wrong sometimes and it’s wrong to be right all the time…’

– Chirasree, a dreamer.

via Daily Prompt: Prudent

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21 thoughts on “Will God forgive me???

  1. Longest post so far , right? but I finished it without getting bored. I really like your story telling skills Sree, it’s amazing! :)If this post talks about you.. I would like to commend you for pouring your emotions so vivid and clear (opsss! its the same thing but any way.. you did good!)

    Hmmm, It’s not bad to choose a career that is “practical” at the moment. It’s part of the life’s journey for us (especially if our family is not from a well-off clan) but ..it’s up to us to juggle and to balance our life as well.. we can’t really be happy with the job that we have but we can always find way to make it..”light” . Take time to chill . Relax and continue to write. If you want to be a writer, then I’ll tell you now..you are already one! 🙂

    Love,
    Eclipse

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Sun and Moon… I wouldn’t say that this post is all about me, but it was mostly written to convey the message that life is not about doing right all the time. It’s okay to take risks and do the wrong thing at times.😀…I’m happy that you liked it😊😊

      Liked by 3 people

    2. I agree with you 💯 Your life is for your taking, noone else should have the ability or powers of influencing you.
      Indeed you are already a write, a very much blessed and talented one😊

      Liked by 3 people

  2. If it’s a sin to be happy guess I’m going downstairs at lightning speed :). Yes, only you can truly make yourself happy and the only way that’s ever happening is to be real and the true you 100%. I sure have enjoyed your blog 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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